Fate Series Abridged
by Code Live
Summary: It's the fate series...heavily condensed into about 2k words per chapter. Enjoy.
1. Unlimited Budget Works

**fate stay night (UBW works) mass abridged:**

* * *

Rin goes to school. "I'm a mage!"

Shirou comes by. "what's a mage?"

Rin isn't happy. "shaddup, shirou!"

Totally not a creepy rapist rich prick Shinji comes over and tries to flirt with Rin. "Ooh so cool I'm a mage too can I help you recharge your mana?"

What we don't know that is that some tsunderes are kinda bitchy. "Shaddup, Shinji!"

Rin then proceeds to summon archer.

Rin: "Who are you?"

Archer: "someone who you TOTALLY don't know."

Rin: Ooh, he's hot...red clothes, white hair...you must be young Santa Claus!

Archer: "I'm not-"

Rin: "Santa Claus, what's your noble phantasm?"

Archer: "can't remember."

Rin: "not possible. Ruldoph the red nosed Reindeer? Summon a sleigh? Drag them into the arctic and throw thousands of snowballs at them?"

Archer: "wutever, I'm not a rider."

Rin: "So do you use snowballs as projectiles?"

Archer: ...*sighs*

Later, Run is just moping around on the rooftop, talking to Archer. Anyone here would think that she's gone mad from Shinji's utter stupidity and is now talking to ghosts. Unless if he or she was a mage or a servant, of course.

Rin: "What's over here-OMG, IT'S A SERVANT!"

Lancer: "guess my identity."

Rin: "Cuckoo laid."

Lancer: "...I'LL KILL YOU!"

Archer: "Hold on a sec! Let's fight!"

Lancer: "who are you?"

Rin: "santa claus."

Archer: "...yeah."

they fight, until Shirou yells: "HELLO, Santa Claus!"

Lancer: "...okay, die!"

Rin: "aren't you gonna stop him?"

Archer: "of course not. It's best for everyone."

Rin: "best for everyone? or best for you?"

Archer: "Everyone, OF COURSE!"

Rin: "well, imma save him." Rin then gets to Shirou. "Oh no, only one of my greatest treasures that my dad left me can save...who are you aga-OH GOD, YOU'RE SAKURA'S BITCH/SENPAI, AREN'T YOU?! GREAT, NOW I HAVE TO SAVE YOU!"

Later...

Shirou wakes up. "I'm alive!" Lancer appears. "Not for long."

Shirou summons saber. "Are you my master?" "Of course, saberlicious." "...please don't issue a rape command with your seals, these are valuable. By the way, who're you?"

"Shirou Emiya." Saber's mind: "FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKK! ANOTHER COCKSUCKING EMIYA?! HOW MANY WANKERS HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME?! SCRUMMY GRAIL DID THIS TO ME!"

Lancer fights Saber. "Alright, time for my noble phantasm that's a one hit kill...GAY BULGE!" Saber survives it. "...how?" "My luck is BIGGER than yours! Also, I have a feeling that your 'onehitkill' not killing shit is going to be a thing."

"Goddamnit, bye!"

Archer runs into Saber. They fight initially. Archer: "Saber plz don't hurt me we were friends remember?" "...do I know you?" "...RIGHT, OF COURSE NOT!"

Rin: "Shirou do you know wut this is about?" Shirou: "No!" They go to Kirei Kotomine. His surprise at Shirou's identity is a bit justified. "Wait...SHIROU. EMIYA?" "Yes..." "Good, you're accepted." "whoa..."

The four then go into the park to find the loli. They actually manage to find her, even though normally she would be at Europe.

Illya: "Hi, I'm the loli in this series. My name is pedobait von einzbern." Rin/Shirou: "Servants, assem-"

Archer: "fuck this no I'm out of here!" Rin: "Well, go on and be fucking useless like shirou! I'll go for Pedobait and Saber will go for Berserker, while you two can be useless together! Man, you two cunts could've been of the same mother!"

Shirou:"Oh, so you think I could be Santa Claus's brother?"

Archer: "Caldabog!" He bombs everyone. "I did a thing!...it didn't kill him." Shirou: "At least you tried!"

Archer: "Shaddup, shirou!" Rin: "yeah shirou!" "you're useless, man!" "Yeah shirou!"

*the next day*

Shirou goes to Ryoudoo temple. "Saber, fight assassin!" Saber: "An assassin...that's a swordsman...and his master is a servant? You're not a true assassin, right?"

Assassin:"correct. I am not really assassin. I am...Katanassassin."

Shirou enters ryoudo temple. Caster: "Surrender now. You may bang me if you want if you do."

shirou AND archer: "Fuck no." *they fuck their way out while yelling at each other about who's the bigger asshole.*

The next day...

Shinji: "Hey guys, I'm a mage!"

Medusa: "A horrible one to boot." "Shaddup!"

Rider dies quite quickly, right after he says "Shaddup!"

Rin: "Are you a mage?"

Shinji: "If I say no, will you spare me?"

As he's lying blatantly, Rin kicks his ass. She would have done so anyway if he said that he had said he was a mage.

Shinji:"Kotomine give me another servant!"

Kirei: "Do you whine like a little bitch at home all the time like this?

Shinji: "...no?"

Zouken and Sakura: "Totes!"

Kirei: "Gilgamesh, babysit this bitch."

Gilgamesh: "Alright."

Shirou and Rin and Saber encounter Kuzuki and caster. Shirou: "Innocent people are getting fucked over by your bitch and you won't do anything?"

Kuzuki: "do I know them?" "...no?" "So why should I care?"

Saber: "Haaaaaa!" Saber dashes towards Kuzuki. Kuzuki: "BITCH-SLAP!" through the power of the bitch-slap, Saber is defeated.

Rin: "Oh no you won't get away wi-" *gets punched by Kuzuki* Shirou: "My...PROTAGONIST POWER IS REVEALED!" Shirou has unlocked Protagonist Power! Kuzuki's snake punches aren't very effective!

The next day, Rin has something up in mind.

Rin: "Let's go on a date!"

Shirou: "Does this mean banging?" Archer: "Can we share?" Rin: "NO!"

Caster then appears with a tiger in her arms. "gimme saber or taiga dies." Shirou: "Alright." Saber: "Whew...so long, EMIYA!' Caster: "Kill Rin." "wut?" While trying to hit Rin, Shirou blocks it with his body instead. God, by now Saber should know that he has Avalon, he's Kiritsugu's fucking son and Saber, you kinda needed that because your master wasn't that great. "Eh, at least I hit that bastard's son."

Rin: "Shirou, you don't have Saberlicious anymore. get the fuck out."

"No!"

"Get out!"

"No!"

"yes!"

"no!"

"Fine..."

Archer: "HE'S STILL IN?! FUCK, I'M JOINING TEAM MEDEA NOW!"

Rin: "Okay, maybe we can go to Hercules, he may be able to help cuz he was in Medea's time period."

Hercules gets owned by Gilgamesh, Illya gets stabbed and touches Hercules. "Yes, daddy, you're soooo big..."

Medea: "Oh, time for my backstory." Medea's former master: "I'm better than you! Even tho you're a servant!" "...what an idiot." he gets his ass murdered. "Become my master and you get free sex plus potentially a magic cup that grants you anything."

Kuzuki:"...this is the best day of my life."

Lancer: "I hate archer. You don't like Medea cuz she's on his side. Why don't we team up to fuck them up?" Unfortunately, shirou and rin are screaming nonstop at lancer. lancer: "...really?"

Hours later...

Rin: "Alright, don't kill him. He still has to have punishment for his betrayal by stripping himself naked and showing me these AAAAABBBSS!" Lancer: "Alright, I'll totally keep him ali-

Gay Bulge!" Archer: "...you do realize that I kinda have to do kinky stuff for Rin, right?" "Yeah!" "so why are you throwing a 10 foot onehitkill red boner at me?"

Lancer: "...yeah, didn't think that through." "By the way, I'm just faking my betrayal." "do you seriously think I'll let you off the hook like that?" "...yes?" Lancer sighs. "...yeah, I'll let you off the hook." "4 real?!" "Yes. Being a lancer is suffering, for your knowledge."

Archer kills Caster and Kuzuki, and overpowers saber. "I could easily kill you shirou, but hey, I'm going to take my time to do that, just like foreplay."

Rin: "Saber, let's bond together!" Saber: "Yeah, YURI FOREVER!"

Archer: "Rin let's go." "What? fuck no!" "fuck yes!"

A few hours later...

Shinji: "Hey, I totally don't wanna rape her. Mind giving her to me?" Archer: "Yeah, sure, just make sure that I'll get some later." "Deal!"

Kotomine: "Okay, rin, we're going to put a hole in you to make the grail. do you mind?"

Rin: "...Kirei, this is the most fucked up thing you've ever said. Ever."

"Well to be fair, I hardly ever speak to you so..." "yeah." "Anyway, Lancer, kill her." "but she's hot! I don't wanna, myaaaster!" "kill yourself, then?" "Gr, fine!" he kills himself. However, Kirei is standing behind him like an idiot so Lancer accidentally kills him as well.

Kirei: "...Claudia, Kiritsugu, here I come~" Shinji: "Let's have some fun, Rin!" Lancer: "If I'm not getting her, nobody is!" He then touches shinji, who proceeds to run off like a little bitch.

Shirou and archer fight. Shirou: "What is with you and killing people? Don't you know people die when they're killed?" archer: "Shaddup, shirou!"

"Just because you're correct doesn't mean you're right!" "Shutdafuckup, me!" "Archer, I can't believe you really are an archer!" "WILL YOU CLOSE THAT GODDAMN MOUTH?! IT'S THE DAMN THING THAT GOT ME KILLED IN THE FIRST PLACE!" Gilgamesh then owns Archer.

Gilgamesh: "Shinji, wanna see me do a magic trick?"

"Sure-" he then gets turned into the grail.

"Okay, shirou, let's give you mana in order to beat Gilgamesh-" "But how?"

"..." Please stand by, we are trying to cancel the order of commence sexual moaning while yells of "It's not that I like you so I did this, Baka!" resound.

shirou: "Gilgamesh, let's fight." "How?" "I'll rip off Enkidu." "ONORE ONOREONOREONOREONOREONOREONOREONOREONORE!"

Rin takes Shinji. "Okay...why do I have to save you? BECUZ YOUR GODDAMN SISTER IS ALSO MY SISTER! SO I HAVE TO DO DIS SHIT!"

Katanassassin: "Saberlicious, let's fight again." "...no." "Plzzzz?" "fine." Saber used air slash against Katanassassin! It's super effective!

Saber then destroys the grail. Shirou slashes Gilgamesh's arm. "PEOPLE DIE WHEN THEY'RE KILLED!" Gilgamesh: "STOP SAYING THAT!" "Yeah, shirou!" Archer shoots Gilgamesh.

"Okay, shirou, let's go to the clock tower." "For what?" "For a bit more...plooooooooott..." *while saying "plot" the camera focuses on Rin and Luviagelita's...assets.*

Shirou: "Professor Velvet-" Waver/Lord El-Melloi:"Don't call me that." Shirou: "Did you know that people died when they're killed? and just because someone's correct doesn't mean that they're right? and that some archers really are archers?"

Waver: "...my god, the grail war made you a fucking idiot."


	2. Fate Zero

**fate zero mass abridged:**

* * *

Kiritsugu looks at his newborn daughter. "...shit, I really should have pulled out." Irisviel shrugs. "Well, then that would mean you would have to pull out like three hundred and ninety two times, and even then there was still a chance for-"

"Wait, you seriously counted?" "Yes." "...Lord, I accept this punishment." "How is this a punishment? Look, she's so cute." "...I...don't...really...-

fast-forwards to eight years later: "ILLYA YOU'RE SO CUTE!" "Yeah, papa!" Irisviel comes up. "Unfortunately, her sexual characteristics won't develop, and she'll grow much slower..."

"...I think my suggested name of pedobait really fits her." Kiritsugu sighs.

The kotomines and Tohsakas are discussing. "So, the thing is, even the church, the referee of this event, is cheating? God, I think we should have summoned Ruler." Kirei says.

Risei shoots him a look. "Quiet, Kirei. You may not disclose things you have little knowledge nor faith in." "Father, I swear that I-" "Shut up before your tongue commits blasphemy against the Lord!" "Father, I would do no such-" "And AGAIN! lord Jesus, please forgive him of little faith..."

Kirei sighs as he internally wants to die. "Tokiomi, is there a reason...why you're drinking wine here?" "YESSSS!" Tokiomi drunkenly pours Risei some. "May I have some too?" "No, Kirei! You're still a minor." "...in what way am I a minor? I married before." "That's because...ahem...Waaa, I'm sore loser Kirei, I failed all my classes!"

"Father, I quit them all." "WELL, at least they don't have to deal with you fucking failure of a student." "...love you too, dad."

Cut to Kariya and Aoi. Kariya: "...you seriously gave Sakura to my uncle?" Aoi: "Yeah...?" "DID I NOT TELL YOU HOW MUCH OF A FUCKING CREEP HE IS?! COMING FROM THE KID WHO GREW UP HIS WRINKLY HANDS?" "...no?" "...I wonder how I even fell in love with you in the first place."

Kariya gets to Zouken. "Okay, where's Sakura?" "She's in the worm pit." "...oh, gross! You have...pedoworms!" "Just bring me the holy grail and I'll let her go. I wonder why I even let you go in the first place...considering you're the only one with potential..." "Alright, deal!" "Pedoworms, get him!" "Wait what-AAAAGHHH!"

Now we cut to Waver and Kayneth. "Waver, your essay sucks ass." "...really?" "Yes. Now sit down." "But did you even properly examine them-" "Sit down or I will use the force!" "The force?" "Yes, the force!" "...what?"

Kayneth then proceeds to crush Waver's balls with the Force, resulting in his voice going up quite a few pitches.

"Anyway, we're going to talk about the Holy grail war. I am going to participate in it with a super strong servant, so don't any of you steal-"

Waver steals it. "Hahaaa!"

Ryunooske summons caster. "Okay, who are you?" "Do you wanna fuck Gene of arc?" "Lame..." "What about killing children?" "FUCK YES!"

Kiritsugu summons Arthur. "Surprise, I'm a girl!" Kiritsugu: "...I didn't know there were feminists back in your age." "Shaddup."

Kirei says to Assassin, "Kill Tokiomi." "Yes sir, I shall kill the infidel." "...I wonder why I'm not launching a crusade against you."

Assassin goes through the traps, but when he's almost there... "And now for my noble phantasm...ALLAHU ACKBA-" Gilgamesh impales him. "Fuck you n*gg*." "But I'm ara-" "You still have dark skin." Gilgamesh impales him.

Black people come over. "Hey, you can't do that, that's raci-" "Shaddup! I AM THE RULES!"

Lancer meets Saber. "Let's duel." "Alright." they fight. Lancer cuts saber's thumb. Rider comes in. "WILL YOU JOIN ME?!" Lancer: "Fuck no!" Saber:"Screw your country!" "MY COUNTRY IS BIGGER THAN YOURSSSS!"

Kayneth comes in. "There you are, waver!" "...hi?" "You stole my servant!" Rider: "Well, thanks for stealing me from that creep." "WADIDJASAYABOUTME?!" "Hey, you're hiding in the shadows like the cowards you are. By my kingdom, I declare that anyone hiding right now...is a faggot."

Berserker and Archer come out. "Say what now?!" Irisviel: "Kerry, you disappoint me." "I'M NOT HERE!" "Right, just talking to no one..."

Berserker looks at Archer. "Die, mongrel!" shoots a bunch of stuff at him. Tokiomi: "Rin, what is it now?" "I wanna see the king of heroes's abs!" "...sure, honey, we can arrange that."

Archer: "Wait, what?! ...grr, fine!"

Berserker attacks Saber. Then rider attacks. "I'MMA RIDE YOU SOOOO HARD!" then he tramples him. The servants then leave because it's getting too late and they can't stay past 7.

Irisviel and Saber then drive to the castle. Caster stands in the middle of the road like in idiot. "HEY GEEEENE!" Saber: "I don't know who the fuck that is." and then irsiviel runs him over.

Meanwhile, Kiritsugu and Maiya blow the hotel up. Kayneth, Lancer, and Sola-who-the-fuck-can-remember-her-name: "FUCK YOU TRIPADVISOR!"

Risei: "all contestants, get and kill caster!" Some contestants: "who...does caster look like?" "The ugliest and weakest fucknugget is caster. Shouldn't be hard to miss." "Ah, yes, understood."

Caster attacks saber: "HEEENTAIII TENTACLESSSS!" Lancer slashes the book. "Okay, bye bye!" Caster: "Shiiiiiittttt! FUCK YOU, USELESS MASTER EMIY-I MEAN, RYUUNNOOSKEE! MAKING ME SWALLOW ALL THE LOAD!" then he disappears.

Kayneth: "Can't touch this~ Can't touch this~" then Kirtisugu shoots him. Then another time. "BLOODY HELL!" Lancer then saves him. Kiritsugu: "...aren't you going to kill me?"

Lancer: "Nah, so don't try to kill me later, alright?" Kiritsugu the liar: "alright."

Maiya and irisviel get hit by Kirei. Irisviel: "THAT'S SEXIST!" Kirei: "But if I refuse to fight you, would that still be sexism and discrimination?" Irisviel: "...alright, that's not sexist-ow!"

"Saber's coming." "...fine." Kirei then leaves. Rin then runs into Ryunnoooske. "I'm guaranteed to survive." "And how?" Kariya comes and destroys the monster heading for Rin.

"Will I ever see you again, uncle Kariya?" "Of course...not."

Archer, Rider, and Saber have a good old drink. Rider: "What are your wiiiiishesss for the holy graaaaail?" "...toooooo druunk..." "Meee toooo..." Assassin appears. Rider yells, "IONAI HENTAI-IIIOROI!"

And then an army drops out of nowhere and crushes the assassins. "Can you do that, Gilgamesh?" "...you would wish that's all I could do."

LATER... Caster is screaming about his wrecked projects. "Damn you riiiiddeerrr!" Ryunooske: "Caster, I have an idea!" "Waddisit?" "Maybe God likes whatever we humans do!" "Even killing children?" "Yes!" "Alright, let's make something he'd absolutely hate!"

They create a big monster. Ryuunoske: "THIS IS AWESOOOOME!" Kiritsugu shoots him. "Shit, I'll never get to see Gene..." Saber: "Only I can destroy this cuz I'm the main character!...besides archer, of course. But he's a bit busy...so..." Archer: "LEMME CHECK YOUR NOBLE PHANTASM, BERSERKER!"

Berserker: "AAAARRRRRTTTTCHUUUURRRRR!" "CALL ME GILGAMESH!" Berserker then destroys Vimana. "ONOREONOREONOREONOREEEEE!"

Lancer then breaks his yellow boner. "Have fun, Saber. Imma troll Berserker." He gets on the plane. "Hey, Lancelot!" "aarrrwut?!" "GALAHAD WAS ALWAYS BETTER!" "FUCK 'IM!" Lancer then destroys the jet. "Bye bye!"

Saber: "EXXXXXCCAAAAALLIIIIIIBUUUUUUURRRRRR!" Berserker: "FUCK MY EYES HURT! ALSO MASTER WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

Kariya is busy getting burnt by Tokiomi. "AAAGGGHHHHH DASFB;LNFASFRJFM DOKII-ONI YA MUSTARD!" Tokiomi: "...I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about."

Caster and his monster get destroyed. "GEEEENEEE! I'M HAAVING A VISION!" Jeanne: "For the last fucking time, IT'S JEANNE! PRONOUNCED HUAN!"

Later...Kanyeth comes to the church. "I helped defeat caster gimme command seal!" "okay..." Kayneth gets command seal and shoots Risei. "Gah! right in the asshole!"

Kayneth wheelchairs out. "Renegade for life~" Sola gets attacked by Maiya. "Ow my arm!" then saber and Lancer duel. Kiritsugu shows Kanyeth a note. "Do this." Kanyeth: "Okay!"

Saber: "LANCER GA SHINDA!" Lancer yells at everyone, "KONO HITO DE NASHI!" and dies. Meanwhile, Tokiomi says to Kirei: "look...you beat up irisviel, right?" "yes." "So they kinda want you to leave as part of our team-up." "okay..."

 _Flashback: "Here's a fun idea. Go kill Tokiomi." Kirei: "Excuuuse me?" "I don't like him, so he should be killed. Is that a big thing nowadays?" "...now that you think about it, I don't really like him either. alrighty then."_

Kirei stabs Tokiomi. "Don't worry, I'll take care of rin." "...fuck you."

Kiritsugu: "okay, time for flashbacks!"

 _In a long long-alright, when Kirtsugu was a kid, he had a senpai who he liked! Senpai-chan also was his dad's assistant. And one day... "Kerry, I'm a zombie now, DON'T YOU DARE BE A CHICKEN AND SHOOT ME ALREADY, I'M IN DEEP SUFFERING!"_

 _Kiritsugu runs off like a little bitch. Later... "Dad, this is all your fault!" "well, then we've got to do something about it, son. Any ideas?" "Yeah." Kirtsugu shoots him._

 _Kerry then meets up with Natalia. "Can you be my mom?" "Sure thing."_

 _Later, Natalia's in a plane. "So, what are you on, kid?" "I'm aiming at a plane that's totally not the one you're in." "Yeah, sure thing. Shoot." Kerry fires. Natalia dies. RIP RIP HOORAY._

Kiritsugu: "Okay, that's my character development in the past, but I still need to hog a bit more in the future." Others: "Fuck you." "Yeah, sorry, but I'm the protagonist."

Kariya is lacking energy. "Need something to eat?" Zouken says. Kariya: "Yeah, sure any-" "HAVE A PEDOWORM!" "Ewwww!"

Rider attacks. takes irisviel and kills Maiya. Kirtsugu looks at Maiya. "...save your tears for your wife, ya muppet." "Oh, right, I forgot about that. Saber, go after them!"

Saber wrecks Rider's cart. "Don't worry rider, you still have Ionai hentai-oroi!" "You mispronounced it again, waver!"

Kariya gives Iri to Kirei. "Here you go. Where's Doki-doki?" "there." Kariya goes there. Tokiomi's dead. Aoi comes. "No! how dare you kill my Doki-Doki, Kariya!"

"No I didn't-"

"Yes you did!"

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"NO!"

Kariya snaps and strangles her. "Fuck why the hell did I do this shit?" Kirei shrugs. "Woopsie daisy~"

Archer then goes and challenges rider. "You couldn't have something as good as my ultimate noble phantasm, correct?"Rider and his armies charge at Archer. Archer: "I suppose so..."

Archer: "I have something even better. ENUMA ELISH!" Rider then gets owned.

Berserker fights against saber. "Okay, who the fuck are you?" "AAAAARRRRTTTTHUUUUUUURRRRR!" Saber then realizes Berserker is Lancelot. "Shit, the fuck did I do to make you like this?" "Arrrrrrthurrrr!" "...you're just going to keep saying my name, right?" "Aaaarrrrthuuuurrrrrr!"

Artoria then penetrates deep into Lancelot. "You were a great king, Artoria." "Shaddup, I wasn't. Now to reverse shit." "But wait-" Berserker dies.

Kiritsugu fights Kirei...aka, best fight ever. "I'll win!" "No, I will!" and then the grail comes in. "Kirtsugu wins." "FUCK!"

The grail takes Kirtsugu in. "I am anjraa maiyuu!" "...angry Matthew?" "...yeah, let's go with that. Anyway, I, angry Matthew, shall show you this! this is what will happen if I grant your wish! I will create a peaceful world...but we'll only have 3 people left though."

Kiritsugu is mind blown. "...okay...what the fuck. Well, as I do all the time...imma shoot my way out!" he then kills his fake family. Angry Matthew rages. "Okay, what the fuck?"

Kirtsugu says to Saber, "Okay, destroy the grail." "No!" " **I SAID, DESTROY THE FUCKING GRAIL.** " "Damnit!" Saber destroys the grail. Gilgamesh: "Dude, what the fuck? Alright, I'll solve this!"

a fire breaks out, and then Kiritsugu finds Shirou. "Got you!" "Who are you?" "Your dad!" "...you are?" "I am!" "You are!" "I am!" "Hey dad!" Kirei looks at Kirtsugu and Shirou with the former drowning in embarrassing tears. "Seriously?."

Rin: "...so you're my new dad, Kirei?" "You can think of it like that." "...I have a feeling you're going to be shit." "Well said."

Waver: "Okay, and I'll see you never!...okay, I'll definitely see you later. Just not as short as- dangit I called myself short!"

* * *

 **I didn't intend to do this initially, but I couldn't resist the temptation...so anyway, fate apocrypha condensed will be coming soon.**


	3. Fate Apocrypha

**fate apocrypha mass abridged:**

* * *

Kairi Sisigo goes to clock tower. "So you want me to fight in the grail war?" "Essentially, yes." "And you want me to have a Saber? You've probably seen fate zero, I'm a lot like Kiritsugu Emiya here, I can't do jack shit with a Saber!"

The clock tower guy says in a really unconvincing way, "...Maybe you'll get lucky?" "Yeah, I don't see that happening." "Well, with this you'll be able to get a saber from the knight of the round table." "Alright. I just hope that this time, it won't be a saberface-"

"-GODDAMNIT!" Mordred comes out. "I'm Mordred, son of Arthur!" "...but you're a girl-" Mordred nearly kills Kairi. "I. AM. A BOY! HAS PROGRESSIVENESS NOT KICKED IN YET?!"

Obviously, Kairi is freaked out. "...alright, alright! But the thing is...wikipedia told me that King Arthur was your uncle." "He was." "You just said that he was your father." "He was."

Kairi is now squicked out. "Ugh, gross...next thing you're going to tell me is that your dad was actually female..." "He was!" "OH GODDAMNIT!"

4 servants of black get summoned. "Now, you are to fight the servants of red!" Vlad yells. Siegfried asks, "Wait...is there any color coding or something?" Gordes uses his command seal. "SHADDUP, SABER!" Saber is forced to comply.

Jeanne is traveling across the countryside, then notices Karna. "...oh, hi! If you have any question about the rules, just ask-" Karna attacks her. Jeanne is obviously not happy. "RULE NUMBER ONE, DON'T ATTACK RULER!"

Then Siegfried attacks Karna. Since the two of them have super-tough defensive noble phantasms...yeah, it's what you'd expect. The battle goes nowhere. Siegfried: "I can't do jack shit to your defensive noble phantasm!" Karna: "Neither can I! What a coincidence!" Siegfried: "We are so OP!" Karna: "This is done just to trick new FGO players into thinking you're awesome!" Siegfried: "I hope there won't be another super-tough noble phantasm in this war!"

Karna remains silent for a while. "...yeah, I'm just going to leave."

Later, Sieg comes out. "f*ck, f*ck f*ck-wait, why am I being censored?" Astfolo picks him up. "...let's see...oh, you're like fucking one hour old! Of course you're getting censored, cuz you're a minor!"

Chiron heals Sieg. "You only have like 3 years to live...just get the fuck out of here quickly, we have masters and servants to deal with. This is no place for such a fragile little fuckmuppet.

"FUCK YEAH!" Spartacus runs through the forest like crazy. Achilles and Atalanta just stare. "...Berserkers were always crazy, but I never thought that they would be this stupid..." Achilles remarks.

Semiramis: "...why is berserker going berserk?" Entire Red faction: "...do we have to explain this to you?" Spartacus then gets captured.

Achilles and Atalanta fight Frank and Siegfried. Achilles fights Siegfried. Neither of them can damage one another.

Siegfried: "...this seems familiar..."

Achilles: "F*CKING HECTOR GAVE ME A BETTER FIGHT!"

Gordes: "Use Balmung!" Siegfried prepares to use Balmung. Hopefully it might hit Achilles's heel.

Darnic: "DON'T USE BALMUNG!"

Siegfried stops using Balmung: "...guys, I'm confused."

Sieg then runs into Gordes. "Er...I should attack you!" "And why is that?" "...fat means evil, right?" "FUCK YOU!" Gordes then accidentally fatally injures Sieg.

Astfolo starts crying. "NOOO! HOW COULD YOU DIE? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME! I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU FOR A WEEK! BWA, THIS IS SO SAD!"

Siegfried places his heart in Sieg. "Sayonara, bitches. Ruler, please keep him safe." Ruler: "Understood."

Vlad and the others come over. Vlad: "Astolfo, you will be punished." "Please no?" "That's not going to work." Astolfo does puppy kawaii eyes. "PLEAAASSSEEE?! Maybe less severe?" Vlad: "...fine, you're grounded."

Now let's get to Mordred's backstory. Mordred: "OMG SHE'S MY DAD?! THAT'S FUCKING RAD, MOM!" Morgana:"...yeah, she's also my brother." "Okay, mom, what the fuck?" "Don't ask me, ask him."

Later, Mordred and Artoria are the last fighters. "Okay, dad! Can you explain to me first, what the fuck happened with my family, second, why I can't be the heir, and it better not because I'm a girl, because that is PURE FUCKING HYPOCRISY!"

The two just stare at each other for a second. "I'm sorry, dad, I didn't mean to make this awkward, but can you just explain-" Mordred gets stabbed. "Yep, too awkward." Artoria replies.

"And that's my story." Mordred says to Kairi. Kairi looks at a map. "Yeah, we gotta go to town, there's apparently a serial killer who targets mages...sounds like a rogue servant to me."

Mordred and Jack fight. "MARIA DA RI-" Chiron interrupts them. Fiore and Kairi fight. Caules saves her. Chiron: "I'm at a disadvantage when fighting mordred- WAIT A SECOND, I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE OTHER WAY AROUND! Anyway, we have to retreat!"

Semiramis creates Hanging Gardens of Babylon...even though it actually wasn't hers, and was only gained because people are forgetful and stupid. "So, what was your plan if I didn't have the hanging gardens of Babylon, Master?" "...um..."

Jeanne ditches Sieg. "Okay, get the fuck out of this war, and get yourself a life that isn't violent."

Sieg dreams. "MY LIFE IS MEANT FOR WAR! AND VIOLENCE!" and then he runs off to war. Sieg then frees his fellow homunculi. "Let's start a revolution!" "What's that?" "I have no idea, I'm only a few days old!"

Semiramis: "Even though I'm an assassin, I know a little bit of magecraft…" SHE CREATES A FUCKING GIGANTIC CASTLE IN THE SKY. Shirou: "…that was an understatement." Shakespeare: "OH THE BETHINK?!

Achilles fights Chiron, Karna fights Vlad, and says to Achilles, "Dude, I think we should really switch. Like, Lancer of Black can't really harm you since he has no divinity, and Lancers are good against archers. Also, since he's the only one who can harm you, I...don't think fighting him is the best of ideas."

Achilles ignores Karna. I mean, seriously, he's fucking greek Cu Chulainn, nigh-unkiliable and arrogant as ever. What did you expect? Everyone loves Shishou, right?

Astfolo fights Mordred. Mordred whoops his ass. "Oh god, another person with gender identity issues? THAT'S IT, I'M KILLING YOU!"

Sieg runs off to challenge Mordred. Mordred WHOOPS his ass. "Seriously, what did you expect?"

Fran attacks Mordred. Mordred whoops her ass. "Master, isn't this just a bit too easy?"

Sieg attacks Mordred again. Mordred whoops his ass, then stabs him. We all know he's not going to die though. Astolfo: "DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK?! I TOLD YOU TO GET AND LIVE A LIFE!" Sieg: "Well, my preference just happened to be battle, so that's that!" "Well then of all battlegrounds, why did you have to choose the place where you'd immediately get your ass killed?!" Sieg really doesn't know the answer to that. "...yes?"

Fran uses her Noble Phantasm on Mordred. "BLASTED TREE! I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A FACELOAD OF THIS!" Big explosion happens. Mordred still survives anyway. Fran is dead though. "...seriously, what did you expect? I didn't even fight saber of black yet!"

Saber of black appears. "Hey there. Wanna make an explosion?" They create a huge explosion. Siegfried turns back to Sieg. Mordred is about to kill him. "Seriously, you guys just can't catch a break." Then Spartacus appears. Jeanne also appears.

Astolfo and Sieg: "PROTECT US PLZ PLZ PLZ?!" Jeanne: "...Rider of Black, that's against the rules. And also, you!...you..." she doesn't remember his name. "Sieg." "Sieg! Yeah, it was at the tip of my tongue...You just really want to die, don't you?" Astolfo and Sieg give even bigger bunny eyes. "PPPPLLLLLLLLZZZZZ?!"

Spartacus barfs shit at them. "THIS IS 300!" he then explodes as a result. Jeanne shields them. "...Gosh, I am the worst Ruler in history."

Celenike/Evil Hanji Zoe appears. "Kill the homunculus!" Sieg: "Astfolo no!" Celenike: "ASTFOLO YES!" Mordred kills her. "...look, Rider of Black, just die slowly, alright? I kinda need some father figure time...too bad most of it is going to be offscreen. Sorry for killing your master and everything, but she was fucking annoying. Also, she looked like a slut."

The servants of black board the Babylon Gardens after the whole stealing grail thing. Vlad turns into vampire and unwillingly does the fusion dance with Darnic, and rampages around...until Shirou Kotomine comes in.

Darnic: "LANCER GA SHINDA?!" Vlad: "KONO HITO DE NASHI!" Shirou Kotomine to everyone: "If you wanna save the world, join me. If you don't, don't join me. It should be simple."

Servants: "Er...this is hard to decide because I have a cute master..." "You know, I'm kinda more into golems, and one of mine might ruin the entire world..." "I'm not even entirely sure with a servant as my master..."

Shirou: "OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE IS IT REALLY THAT HARD?! JUST YES OR NO!" Karna, Achilles, Avicebron, Atalanta, Shakespeare, Semiramis: "Yes!" Chiron, Jeanne: "No!" Astolfo, Mordred: "...what's going on? No idea, really."

Avicebron transforms Roche into the core of Adam. Roche: "AVICEBRON, WHAT THE FUCK?! I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO USE A HOMUNCULUS OR FREAKING GORDES! WHY ME?!"

"...yes!" Adam walks around, then gets killed by Mordred and Siegfried. Chiron also shoots Avicebron.

Jeanne: "Guys, we need to get Jack the ripper in check!" She goes off after her. Jack the ripper uses her noble phantasm on Jeanne. "MARIA DA RIPPA!"

Jeanne survives. Jack: "HOW?!" Jeanne: "Plot armor, that's why!" Atalanta shoots Reika. "Begone, thot."

Jack: "Let's all go to London: Rippa version!" Children then go to Atalanta. "Onee-chan, we're kawaii, aren't we?" Atalanta: "YES YOU ARE!" Children: "But we're also evil."

Atalanta: "Wait wut-" Jeanne kills Jack. Atalanta(in darth vader/luke skywalker style): "NAOOOOOWWWWWW!

Fiore: "Okay, I don't want to be leader of Yggd-Black faction anymore. My brother will take the spot."

Caules: "…sis, this really sounds like incest." Chiron: "Yeah, I'm not okay with this." Mordred: "Geez, even I'm squicked."

Fiore: "NO YOU IDIOTS! THIS IS AN ANIME, NOT A HENTAI VISUAL NOVEL! BESIDES, IT'S JUST THE FAMILY CREST, NOT TRANSFERRING MANA!"

Caules: "…..let's just get this over with quickly." Chiron: "Agreed. And no, Master, I don't need extra mana. Thanks for not asking."

Jeanne: "Guys, we need to discuss our battle plans-" Astolfo comes out of the closet. Jeanne screams.

Shirou: "Okay, what are they-oh, what the fuck? Servants, get them! Oh for fuck's sake, why does this damn wish ritual take so long?! It's just one fucking wish!"

Atalanta and Jeanne fight. Atalanta: "Why did you kill them?" Jeanne: "They were evil! I mean, seriously, whether if I killed them or not, we would still be fighting anyway, right?"

Atalanta: "…okay, class change, BURR-SER-CAR!" Jeanne: "Okay, what the fuck?! Oh, she's so strong! Agh, I can't keep up with her! Oh, she's so…" Jeanne looks at Atlanta's ridiculous outfit, which is basically a grey bikini. "Intimidating isn't the right word."

Achilles fights Chiron. "Well, since you have divinity…let's make this awesome." They fight. Achilles wins. Chiron snipes Achilles's heel. "Have fun with that. Also, can you give your plot armor to someone else?" Achilles: "Eh, no big deal."

Atalanta nearly kills Jeanne. "Achilles, help!" Achilles: "...Maybe I should really wait for her to kill you first then-OMG ONEE-CHAN WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?!"

Achilles and Atalanta kill each other. Achilles: "…I love you." "Fuck you too." "Eh…I'll take that."

Semiramis attacks Astolfo. Astolfo: "OH, I FINALLY F*CKING REMEMBER THE NAME OF THE BOOK!" he then tanks all of the damage.

Siegfried fights Karna. Karna activates Vaashakiti-whatever the fuck it's called. "…you disappoint me, Siegfried…LIKE SO MANY PLAYERS IN FGO!"

Siegfried: "….SUMANAI! BALMUNG!" Siegfried is about to get his ass roasted by Karna. Then astolfo jumps in. "PLOT ARMOR: ACHILLES VERSION!"

Siegfried then stabs Karna. "LANCA GA SHINDA!" Karna: "…yeah, I'm not saying that." "aw, fine…"

Mordred attacks Semiramis. "Fuck my family, fuck this war, fuck everything, and most of all, FUCK YOU!" she then kills her. "…another monarch bites the dust."

Shakespeare puts Jeanne into a play. Gilles: "You want to treat everyone equally, yet you're in love with Sieg?...I'M CALLING BULLSHIT! JOAN OF ARC WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A THING!"

Jeanne: "Yes, I know! This is bullshit! But now's not the time to call out on bullshit, help me!" Gilles: "Alright!"

Shirou: "Shakespeare, what the fu-" he then sacrifices his arm to block La Puecelle. "Whew….that was close…"

Shakespeare: "thee realize yond thee just hath left an innocent wench hither vulnerable to kicketh the bucket, right?"

Jeanne: "…shit, hadn't thought about that." She looks at the unconscious French girl. "…yep, really hadn't thought about that."

Sieg fights Shirou. Shirou: "Dude, you're not even a servant, you're not transforming into a dragon, how is still possible?!" Sieg: "Why are you so angry? Didn't you say that you had gotten rid of your anger?"

Shirou: "THIS DUMBASS PLOT AND BULLSHIT TURN OF EVENTS ARE ENOUGH TO MAKE ANYONE ANGRY AT THIS!" Sieg: "Allow me to make you even angrier! Blasted tree!"

Caules: "…dude, why didn't you tell me earlier?" Fiore: "We really should have let our servants undergo a similar process…"

Shirou: "HOW THE FUCK IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?!" shit explodes. Semiramis take Shirou away. "Master, are you okay?" Shirou: "…yeah…I just really need a little nap after this shitshow."

Semiramis: "I love you." Shirou: "I love you too…if only we had the screentime…to make this more relatable…"

Sieg: "…how to stop Shirou's wish?...oh right! I'll turn into a dragon because Siegfried can as well! Isn't that right guys?"

Everyone: "Nope. This is an ass pull in its finest." Sieg shrugs. "I'll still do it anyway." He then carries it off to an alternate universe.

Shakespeare: "Aye! i has't document'd such a most wondrous story, t's…. well enow, these events art so fuck'd up. I hath spent so many days on recording and dramatizing this piece of the horror ov'r hither?! yeah, death seemeth to beest the most wondrous option hither!" he then falls and disappears.

Jeanne finds Sieg. "Oh, there you are…wanna go somewhere fun?" Sieg: "yeah, sure…" Jeanne hijacks an FGO summoning, while Sieg gets in as welfare servant.

Ritsuka Fujimaru: "A CASTER TRYING BE EFFECTIVE AGAINST DRAGONS?! NO JEANNE ALTER?! OH WHAT THE FU-"

Ritsuka uses his NP spammability to clear off assassins and berserkers with Georgios. "Hercules is a dragon, Sieg!" "George, he's obviously a demigo-" "I SAID HE'S A DRAGON!" "Gosh, fine!"

Ritsuka: "…well, he's not so bad."

"Caules, you're accepted into the mage's association! Can you tell us who you learnt in your holy grail war?"

Caules: "…"

Waver: "…don't you dare say dumb shi-"

Caules: "This is a grail war in which archers actually can be archers! Being lancer may seem wonderful, but you'll end up suffering anyway! No, this war was not a tale about masters and servants!"

Waver: "...OMFG, the Grail Wars made this one a fucking idiot as well. Dude/Iskandar, why did this happen?"


End file.
